Emotional regulation is our ability to influence, and feel a sense of control over, our emotional state.

Emotional regulation is often role modelled and taught - and because many of us were not raised by parents/carers who themselves were taught how to regulate their emotions (or even to express their emotions in some cases!), this hasn’t necessarily been handed down to us…

And as we explored in module 1, we truly are deeply influenced by our upbringings. 

When we are not emotionally regulated, we can often feel like we are at the whim of others and their actions (aka ‘they did this, so now I feel angry/hurt/sad’)…

And this can feel incredibly disempowering because it essentially hands over our power to someone else.

Emotional regulation asks us to reclaim our sovereignty so that, instead of being impacted by everything and everyone outside of ourselves…

We come home to ourselves, look at outside events and experiences objectively and choose how we want to respond (rather than react, as we spoke about in module 2 when we learnt about triggers).

Much like a tree, our branches and leaves may still sway in the wind (aka when we are ‘ruffled’ by others), but our trunk remains grounded (because we are standing firm in our own power and are in control of our perception of outside events).

Does this mean that other people’s actions will never again hurt us?

No, this is an inevitable part of relating… 

But it means that we can reclaim our power if they do hurt us. And there is great strength in that!

It’s important to be aware that our ability to regulate our emotions can also be heavily impacted by the traumas we have experienced in our lives…

When these traumas are triggered it can sometimes be our automatic response to react.

What’s fascinating too is that often we react as we would have at the age when the trauma initially took place… 

For example, you may have a childhood abandonment wound that gets triggered when your partner seems avoidant or dismissive, and you may react as your 5 year old, emotionally unregulated self.

The beautifully healing thing about understanding this is that awareness allows us to create change…

Because when we come to learn the why behind our reactions, and we more actively choose how we want to respond…

We remember that we are in control

That we are the architect of our emotional world

And in that process, we reclaim our power.

This can have seismic reverberations in all areas of our lives, helping to not only shift our perception, but our relationship with our trauma/s too. 

Peter Levine is a psychologist, researcher and trauma expert whose work exponentially changed my life.

His book, ‘Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body’ - which you can listen to for free here - was a much welcomed gift and tool as I traversed the world of trauma, emotional regulation development and healing.

While it is lengthy, I do encourage you to make the space to listen to the audiobook and glean it’s gold.

You too might like to contemplate:

• In what circumstances do you typically react in an emotionally unregulated way, rather than respond?

• Can you identify traumas (whether they be from your childhood or later in life) that impact these reactions?

• How might it feel and what might shift if you were to reclaim your power and remember that you are in control and are the architect of your emotional landscape?

Arjuna. X